white noise

you know, the sound of silence? (that's not a question. that's a statement). i am experiencing a symptom of Tinnitus. my right ear has been in limbo since friday last week and i have difficulty in hearing from the right direction. its really, really annoying.

its quite hard to concentrate articulating something when you're hearing yourself talking loudly in your own ear chamber. yesterday, my officemate told me he cant hear anything i say, i spoke too softly. me?! talking softly? Then, the students complained i mumbled in my lecture. Really?!. so, this morning, i spoke loudly (it's really loud for me) over the mic and delivered the lecture with numerous pauses (to cough and collect my thought--i lost them in the booming sound in my head!). the students didnt complaint.

i am going to see an ENT doctor tomorrow. i've tried the breathing technique, water stabilizer, vitamin B (for the niacin). still, my telinga berdengung. it doesnt hurt, but, its annoyingly uncomfortable. especially when i tried to sleep. i can hear my blood pulsating and the white noise sounds like waterfall!

so, this is how its like, being sick and half-deaf.

The Wonder Spot

if you can spare some time to read just one ridiculous book this year. let it be this.

Ridiculous as in, not normally progressing. like, adding years to one's age without really adding any significance to it. like, running in a circle, tiring and energy consuming without really getting anywhere. that's the feel i get reading this book. Sophie Applebaum changed little from her 12 years old to her sixty. and i'm at loss to comment if that's a good thing or no. all i can think is, that's immensely ridiculous.

people says, dont ever change. in romantic movie/ stories we often heard the phrase "i love you, just the way you are". but, change is inevitable. change is a must. i am not what i used to be when i was 20 (when Alanis Morissette's album is my most precious possession and Grisham's the best author). we change, not necessarily for the better. it's just a process of evolution (so now you know i'm pro Darwinian). so, really, i refuse to accept a fiction of unchanging tendency, personality and pointless way of perceiving life. Maybe Melissa Bank should just formatted this book into short stories collection. that way, at least the reader can make their own conclusion/ story extension.

Sophie Applebaum is one of the most disgusting character i've read so far. for that, Ms. Bank, you stand out. and out of my list..

under the weather

sanggar cheese

i was down with a bad flu over the weekend and worsen after monday. So, i was absent from work, Tuesday. it's been quite a long time since i fell under the weather. still coughing like mad, but at least, no more fever and lingering dizziness.

tried to curb boredom by watching some Korean drama (tried My Princess, Scent of a woman--OOO boring!). finally settled with Personal Taste (at least, that pretty guy knew how to kiss properly) and the story evolved around architecture, aku pencinta struktur bangunan. so. i am on Joseph Heller's Catch-22. that, i tell you, a pure satirical book. i re-read chapter: Major Major Major Major 3 times. and think of our politicians, what if they didn't have that famous last name?

whoa! on the earthquake near Acheh yesterday.

p/s sorry, today's post seems to be at random. my processor need fine tuning. the picture is one example of good food we have to forget when we caught cough. i know, life sucks. sadis.

Thin Blue Smoke

How can anyone resist the temptation of reading a novel about music, food and love?

the book opens with a prologue of a barbecue joint called "smoke meat", which was famous among the reporters of Kansas City Star. followed by bantering between the owner of that joint and his reporter customer of adding D to the 'smoke' (the way it should). i was curious all the way to the end reading this book. i was curious of how the owner's son (who painted "smoke meat") died, of whose initials were those LW and FG of how they're related.

i fell for the book when the author dedicated the book to Rebecca, and in his acknowledgement save the last line "Then there's Rebecca, whose heart is the room where i go to write". sweet.

over the holy weekend, i read the book and cried a lot. i was down with a bad flu and i welcomed the free flow of tears (easier to blow my nose!). this is one of those rare book i really wanted to be in. i wanted to know how each of them look like, i wanted to be in that barbecue joint with hickory and meat smell, i wanted to join the Mother's party, i wanted to be in those churches, i wanted to see Warren, the guy who speak rabbit language!

more than anything, i am thankful i chose to read this book over the weekend (its the thickest in my 'not read yet' books section) and i took time reading it because i have to stop for my cough syrup every 4 hours, 2 glasses of water each hour which resulted on going to the loo repeatedly and checking on youtube for songs featured in the book (blues is certainly an acquired taste of music--i got so irritated and sleepy over most of the songs). i am thankful for chapter 37 Up in Michigan in where Rev Glen said "i dont think we can necessarily make the connection between answered prayers and blessings. i think the only connection is that we are blessed when we pray-the act of praying is itself a blessing. but i dont think it's safe to conclude that when we get what we pray for we can call it a blessing". i never thought of it that way.

o.. this book talked in length of the possible best barbecue in the States. Kansas? Memphis? Texas?. i have no idea. the best pork barbecue in Sabah is somewhere in Tambunan, i dont eat pork, so, that's not telling much.

p/s pembetulan: my sis informed it's Keningau, not Tambunan. she eats pork. she's right.

stay on path

ya. stay on path. stay on the right path. i've been wondering lately (more than ever) if my chosen path is the right one to continue trekking on. i've been doubting myself and regretfully that led to doubting the guidance of the all knowing, all loving father. was it not me who prayed about 5 years ago "kemana pun Kau pimpin, ke negeri yang Kau pilih, ini aku, utuslah Tuhan?".

where's all that youthful exuberance i experienced once? the zealous and focus on doing not just anything but everything for Him? to the glory of my Maker? (itu, masuk dia punya tools juga la, mcm the biological parents kan? mau juga drg happy..). and if you're thinking this is some spiritual awakening rumblings. no. this is not. while i'm sapping here, you better check this link, it's a youtube of Colton Dixon (AI) cover of Lifehouse's Everything, a girl reminded me to check this vid. i appreciate the early morning song sms and for this reminder.

i'll nurse my doubts until my head gradually clear. one thing i learned is not to make any decision when in doubt. so i'll just stay put, wherever i am at the moment. until i see clearly the green sign on which direction to move. but, i need out ASAP.

for all my Christian friends, this weekend, more than our gladness to celebrate Christmas, let us be doubly reminded of the reason He went up the tree and celebrate in the triumph of victory and hope He send us. have a good weekend, everyone.

Gaya Hidup Sihat

one of the best thing living in Kuching is the abundance of fresh produces at the wet market. while in Batu 7 we have our own large daily wet market, boasting to have the freshest seafood in Kuching area and used to be the center to buy any pork related items (and that include pekasam!), a special weekend gateway is still Pasar Satok. and i heart the market with all my being.

to those planning to visit Kuching, please include a saturday and sunday in the itinerary. Pasar Satok open by late afternoon, friday and go on until sunday noon.

on my last visit (2 weeks back), i found this!

these herb grew in abundant in an any clearing off the edge of our tagad (huma/ hill paddy patch) when i was a kid. the flowers akin to flower of passionfruit (smaller in size). the leaves are smelly (really pungent) and we ate the mature fruits (whenever we managed to beat the birds to it). i never knew the young leaves to be edible. but, in Sarawak, they cook it with belacan (maybe the way we cook kangkung belacan). i was tempted to try (its RM1 per large bunch), but, didnt as i dont really have time to indulge in that experiment that week (need to read lots for an interview, plus no energy co creativity, too nervous for the interview). i am all into eating wild herbs (think of the non-pesticide advantage).

i am fueled up to do some curious herbs searching sometime soon (not this weekend, sadly). KKM, with all the sensitivity aside decided to launch gaya hidup sihat campaign on the holiest weekend in Christians calendar with gazetted holiday in Sarawak. gaya hidup sihat! my foot!

p/s anyone know the name of this herb? share it.

1/4 of the year--gone

so, i should be posting of my year's first quarter progress.

1. to lose weight and maintain it at my ideal of 50-52 kg.
i am 65. that's a 4 kg hike since january. failed.

2. drive a car (i've put this on hold for years..)
No progress

3. go holiday with my parents (Mulu and Indo)
Mulu-done!

4. register for a postgrad prog
went for an interview that hopefully will help cover this item. Verdict: hopeless

5. monthly hiking trip
April and no single trip yet...

6. read 100 books
covered 10%

7. buy a house
in the process of getting a one single bed apartment. and i dont consider that as a house.

8. start on my lifetime dream
i've been talking about it with family and close friends. so far, its still in the 'dream' stage. next step is to open an account and make proper plan on how to execute.

9. learn to make my own garment
No progress

10. buy myself a cosy sofa and bed
No progress

11. take picture(s), daily
more like, every other day.

12. write letter/ card to close friends and family (i used to do this)
i am sending card for my Christian friends for Easter.

how do i fare? slow kan?

Things I Want My Daughters to Know

by Elizabeth Noble

i was in KK last week and got this book. not exactly the type i'll bought on my own. but, the opening page of this book is a letter from a dying mum to her daughters, detailing arrangement for her funeral. that's what made me picked this book and read on. me and my close girlfriends have this crazy stupid obsession of our funeral arrangement (not that any of us in a situation of terminal illness.. palis..palis)

see Diana's here. bear in mind, that's link to her part#6, scroll down her blog entry for earlier parts. (Dy, i would highly recommend this book to you, and i bet, you'll like it!)

overall, this book is a goody-goody read. expected issues, expected outcomes, expected end. no surprise, its a bit flat for me. just perfect for a vacation read/ reading between flights

synopsis:
Barbara's dying of (what else?) cancer and had her days numbered. she wrote a journal and letters to her daughters and husband. 3 daughters from her first marriage, Lisa, Jennifer and Amanda and her youngest, Hannah, from her second husband, Mark.

each of the daughters had different issues they struggled in. Lisa with her noncommittal relationship (even though she's been living with her good looking, sensible boyfriend for years). Jennifer whose strong headed and in an unhappy marriage. Amanda, the nomad and Hannah, barely in her teen.

issues solved. Lisa marry her boyfriend Andy, Jennifer happy again with her husband, Stephen, Amanda found her root, Ed, Hannah made her first big mistake with Nathan and was sorry.

i am a true believer in loyalty. once you commit yourself to something/someone, being loyal is no more an option, its the root in any relationship. being loyal means, to stay true, respect and trust that something/ someone to the end. if ones cant handle loyalty, never commit in anything/ anyone. that will save all the troubles.

passione

Its mid march and i'm still halfway through "Outcasts United". a lot of distractions to my reading. especially with the relatively fast internet connection via mobile, i found myself reading more articles (trash articles actually) on my handphone and watching too much youtube too. been busy traveling here and there attending courses making it harder to concentrate on reading, even a leisure one. ooo. yaa.. been busy doing this too.

oooo.. and i love this new product of Gardenia. i tried the HERBAL MEDITERRANEAN
MIXED GRAIN and its awesome. too bad we dont have it here in Kuching. (Kuchingites, let me know if i can get it anywhere in Kuching, thanks..)

Pic from Google image.

To The Girl i Love

Gessen (All The Sad Young Literary Men) makes me grin. oooo.. p(eeeeee)lease. its actually a heartbreaking story of 3 ambitious men (as pointed in the book title). if i'm grinning, its because i have this newly developed morbid sense of humour. how else we fight the cruelty of fate? but, to laugh at it's most heartbreaking attempt to break our hearts?

heartbreaks? (most likely, it felt something like a hollow/ black hole in your core, something went missing and irreplaceable no matter how we try to replace/recover). the pain is usually constant and never go away no matter how we try to forget. people say, time heals (ooo yeah, in a million years, sure). but truth to be said, no, over time, we get used to the pain, time doesn't heal nor diminish it. for a person with morbid sense of humour, we pad the thumping of pain by laughing at it.

i guess, Neil McCormick did it best in Killing Bono. OMG! if i were him, i'd kill Bono too. ten times over!

and because i'm a huge fan of Australia's McLeod's daughters series, i'd recommend to listen to Lavelle's The Man i Loved and Time Turn over. that's it, to amplify the pain. (not really recommended for those with high tendency to suicide).

this is a very public personal note to someone i knew in pain and most probably will try something really stupid. you know i'll never lend my shoulder to cry on/ join in crying over the matter (in a jointly crying session, pergh!). you're unlucky to have someone like me, both of us knew that from the set. but, i do pain for you, and its a constant pain. never to go away. i just hope, years from now, we'll look at this moment and remember it the McCormick way. or absurdly the Gessen way.

priority resetting

I've no time to read book these past few weeks. Been reading articles and some serious books for one of my biggest interview (last week), which i flunked spectacularly. anyway, in retrospective, i enjoyed the experience. it was enriching.

but, back then, when i came back from the interview, my heart was so bitter. i wanted the post so bad and i've tried very hard for that proposal. i've asked God what to write and i believe He put that issue in my heart. so, i am pretty sure, i am heading in the right direction. why should i feel devastated and bitter?

if the calling is from Him, He'll show the way in His own pace. but, i have to play my part, i have to put double effort in writing a better and more convincing proposal. and to do so, i need to read more enriching articles, more serious books for better understanding of the whole concept. jokingly, i told my colleagues that we have a year to prepare for the next round of interview. while reading New Economic Model (NEM), i stumbled upon a confusing data and i googled it up to check, and the googling led me to an article in Forbes Magazine of Jeremy Lin.

Jeremy Lin led me to Jaeson Ma, and the whole lot of Christian movement in Asia. it's good to know that you're not praying alone and it's not a futile effort. sometimes, its a very hard decision when you woke at 3 or 4 am and have this insistent tugging in your heart to pray for something/someone and your warm bed, physically calling you to just continue slumbering. (i usually just curled up in my comforter muttering anything i had in mind and drifted off, sleeping).

when i read of how Jeremy Lin spend an hour each day for devotion, despite his super busy schedule, i was more than inspired. i just need to cut some time off my other activities. and surely, i am not that busy to afford an hour of quiet time each day. i need to reset my priority.

Superjunior, Jeremy Lin, Idris Jala. where're the similarities? they're:

1. superstar
2. very good at what they do
3. hugely successful
4. humble
5. inspiration for others to do the best

(and you may also point to their Asian root). you can be from a minority ethnic and still can come out huge. Ben Okri in his Starbook wrote something with this effect "its not you, its the power behind you that people see". Superjunior, Lin and Jala have that amazing power behind them, and they openly say so.
its a mistake not to follow their example. let's live our life according to His calling and will, and lets do it whole-heartedly.

Broken, Wings of Love

yes. wings of love, the airline provider that supposed to connect Sabah and Sarawak to the world. if you're a longtime (frequent) user of the said airline, you'll get what i'm saying. unreliable schedule, nasty ground staff, and before you say that happens to any airlines too. well, not as frequent as it happened by Wings. (and if the airlines you tried to point is AirAsia, ngam sama harga lah bah..)

i travel frequently by wings and mostly get annoyed by sudden change of schedule. and they NEVER informed any of the changes via phone or e-mail. usually, they let you stranded at the airport for hours, waiting for flight. i never lodge a formal complaint of the matter. but, i will do this time.

i planned a family trip to Mulu National Park since June last year. i bought tickets and reserved our accommodation for 11 persons (yes, i have a large family) for a 3 days, 2 nights stay. most of us are working, so we asked for one day leave (friday), as our flights to Mulu was on friday. me and my sister (from KL) flew from Kuching at 1050am. nine of them from Kota Kinabalu were schedule to fly at 1235. just in time to arrive and go for Lang and Deer Cave exploration.

Wings canceled the flight after checking in my family (at the counter) and after an announcement of flight delay, reschedule to 1430. flight was canceled with not so much of apology to my family. after my sister insisted to see the person in charge, they were given a hotel stay in Tanjung Aru with dinner, breakfast and transports to airport (as if that's important, as half of them live in KK).

We had a good, limited time in Mulu. Wings ruined our family trip and we'll make sure not to plan any family trip with this airline anymore. unreliable is the key word here. (ya, just ask anyone who ever tried their service to Bario, Ba Kelalan or Marudi especially in December--see if there's a fond memories of their service, i'd like to know). maybe, before Wings eagerly spread the Wings to our neighboring countries, there should be a huge mending or makeover of broken Wings in the country. supaya tidak jadi, kera di hutan berabis disusukan, anak di rumah mati kelaparan.