when you cant go home for Kaamatan

May mau habis sudah. dan confirm tidak dapat balik Ranau untuk Kaamatan* (not that we're big in celebrating the celebration). but it's good to have a family gathering, simple afternoon picnic (did i tell, my kampung house is very close to a river? -Sg. Moroli) and dinner, and movie marathon, watching  old series of Merlin (which is our parents favourite), betting our coins on lap-lap-pu**, or simply go fishing and kena tanduk by Harry the goat or even, go panjat-panjat pokok, when nothing else seems to amuse us (that, and also to get a better internet reception). ya, i'm kidding on that last part. or not.

I am lonely and missing my hometown. 

Trying hard to finish vol 1. of Sherlock Holmes complete adventures to while away the loneliness.

*Harvest Festival = Thanksgiving
**game of cards

i am itching to write about book #16 or #17 in my book list, because those two are really good. but, i dont have the luxury of time to compose a decent post. so, i'll write about those two books when i can. besides, i am having this weird emotion blockage (deep melancholy, i associated with loneliness) and  super busy weeks with piled up works to do against time. i am just tired, thats all. 

something happened earlier this month and it shook my world. gently. its good to come to a point where, i knew, i am not that easily intimidated anymore with the largeness of things (real or imaginative). i only have this life. just this.

Footprints in The Sand

it's good to be reminded of God's everlasting love and care. for those clueless of  "Footprints in the Sand" story, read it here. for the skeptical, yeah, the story sounds cheesy (it's a dream after all). but, hey, even if it's just a placebo, its working and i'm buying. 

on the matter of preference

My favourite seafood is fish. i was 6 when i saw the sea for the first time. our dad brought us to KK (Tanjung Aru) for jalan-jalan and i remember telling him that, that's a huge river. he told us to sample the seawater and can you imagine how surprised i was when i tasted the salty not so clean seawater?. its an amazing experience, experiencing the sea for the first time. that was years ago, but, i never really got off the sense of how small i was when i faced the ocean.

one of disadvantages living far off from the seaside is the lack of fresh seafood. maybe, i learned to favour fish to the other seafood because growing up, we rarely indulged in the other relatively more expensive seafood (prawn, squid, crab etc.). a very dear friend once commented 'kalau hari-hari makan pucuk ubi, tanpa tahu sayur lain, kita fikir itulah sayur yang paling sedap'. that's village venus effect (the prettiest girl in the world is the prettiest girl in a village for the lack of comparison). our limited experience tends to distort our preference.

fortunately for me, after sampling numerous dishes of other seafood (our dad was relocated to Pitas, and stayed there for more than three years), my favourite is still fish. the best and safest dried anchovies are from Pitas (they dried it off on their bagang with no strayed cats/dogs/chickens/kids around). while living in Pitas, we get acquainted with lots of seafood types. fresh seafood every day and wider choices to choose from (that sound almost like heaven, no?). my mom complained bitterly of the lack of fresh veggies and the salty hot breeze (being used to the abundance of veggies and hill breeze). again, our life-long experience tends to steer our preference.

preference is made out of perspective. perspective is made out of experience and knowledge. we see the world not as it is, but as we are. i was mildly annoyed last week because a long-time friend suddenly unfriend me in FB (i know, this rather sound foolish and childish - in my part for posting this, but i need to get it off my chest). and the reason for the act was because i posted a different view on the topic discussed. i should have known better not to provoked a closed, stagnant mind and her preference. i thought, i was being generous of sharing my perspective over the matter (and i might be on the wrong side of the argument too, naaah.. she's just being silly). 

sometimes, being blind sided over some matter is a bliss. as i knew of late, there are things better left unsaid, even when our intention is true. it'll save many heartaches.  i prefer being blind sided over matters close to my heart, but, i knew to make a relationship works, we need to open up our perspective and see the larger picture of the matter. and work on our preference.

slow me down

Emmy Rossum. you should see the official video. she's gorgeous!. i use this one, because i need to see the lyric.

April's gone. somehow, that makes me glad. certainly not my favourite month for the past 3 years. it brought more challenges and pain than all the other months, collectively. so, i've decided, if it's up to me, i'd like to leave the world in April. when my heart's leaded with aches and regrets. it'd be easier to leave when you're sorry, no?

May, come with that fresh hope and promise of a new beginning. i need, desperately need a new starting point. re-adjusting my course. and focus to what's matter the most.

 

for 4-8 years old (in us)

ooooo... i'm so tempted to buy and mail this book to my sister who work at a construction site and let the book tell her on the importance of a good night sleep. but, i'll hurt her pride by doing that. this is for 4-8 years old.

i'm attending a colleague's daughter's birthday party tomorrow and i'm getting her a book for a present. that's my earnest effort on converting her attention to book. i know, i'm doing good deeds. in hope, she'll grow up loving books better than watching ASTRO. (Can we just fire parents who allow their kids watching TV for hours on?). hahahha... iyala.. i'm no mum, senanglah cakap.

let's see if i can find any good book for one pegawai, demoted to a filing clerk position. ya, i'm trying to cheer you up. (lame joke, i know).

you'll never walk alone

I dont know if ZAR is still operating in UKM, Bangi or not. during my uni days, they operated at the UG of PUSANIKA building. i frequented their cafe (like, 6 times per week). they open officially at 8.00 am, but, they didnt close their door when i came usually at 7.30 am (obviously their first customer each day). a few minutes later, an Indonesia guy with a battered sling bag would emerged and sat on the next table. except for hi at the door, i didn't rarely exchanged pleasantry with the owner. and they didn't bugged me either. early morning were especially busy at their little bakery. after 8.30, customers started to flood in and i usually leave before 8.30 for Tun Sri Lanang library.

Nothing fabulously fantastic in their menu offering. theirs was a simple bakery with limited baked goods. the owners were elderly Malay couple who speak English with brits accent. but, the runner of that shop was their plump (very good looking) son. i enjoyed my uninterrupted morning tea (they got quite a selection of Earl Grey teas). those were the times i spent looking at plants nomenclature (i did a bit on plant taxonomy for my MSc Theses) and the times i think, i was so much at ease.

maybe it's the rarity of time spent just to be on my own that i treasured those early mornings so much. coming from a large family (of 9 siblings), its really hard to find a place or time to be alone. maybe that's why i love reading so much, it allows my mind to drift and escape. don't get me wrong, i love socializing too. i enjoy hanging out with friends or just talking nonsense with my brothers and sisters, i enjoy companionship. but my heart quietened when i am alone, collecting my thoughts, reading my favourite book, browsing through old photos, doing my cross-stitch, writing on my spiral bound note book, daydreaming.

The last time i went to ZAR was in 2008. the lady owner looked shocked seeing me and asked "i thought you already finished your course? why are you still here?". after all those years, she did remember me. "i did. i work in Kuching now. i come to visit a friend working here. i thought, you'll not recognize me". "of course i remember you. i baked apple pie, because you always asked for it". oooo my.. yes, i love apple pie, still do. only then i realized, even in my search for solitude, there's someone helping with the details to ease the way. and that's comforting to know.

The Happiness Project

ermmm... no, i dont usually read a self-help book like this. and i certainly wont buy any book teaching people how to be more happier. i always believe i am a naturally positive, optimist person. happiness is not something i lack or something i eagerly pursue. this might sound boastful to some, but, that's the truth. there were days when i grumbled and felt really down, but, i never really reached sadness to the point of suicide.

this book belongs to my sister, Popong, who abandoned it after reading a few pages. i felt the familiar nauseating loath for gloat after reading a chapter. (the chapters were divided by month to her objectives to achieve in the pursuit of happiness). however, she had me with her sharp writing style. i like the way she put out her argument and explanations. she is totally right with most of her arguments, she was, after all trained to make convincing arguments. except, she lacked the experience of  significant unhappiness to talk about happiness. 

its like talking on how to become a millionaire when one's born a millionaire. interesting, but not inspiring. (she's happily married to a man devoted to her and their two daughters, live in NY city, doing what she love the best, still living parents and supportive in-laws, no significant financial problem. the husband have Hep C. her sister have diabetes). ha! ko try tanam kacang dulula..

its only April and i already have 2 books in my 'pointless' category. i should stop reading crappy book. i know.

can you hear my heart

i am watching this Korean drama and taking my time with it. heart wrenching, stuffy. and now i've found my favourite Korean actor. that, the non-smiling guy in the picture. he is 남궁민. i've always thought, Korean actors to be pretty and romantic, but not sexy (like in sensual, seriously physically attractive). this guy, challenge that thought. he is better than Ryan Gosling!

so far, i'm in 12th episode. 18 more to go. ya, if i'd checked earlier its 30 episodes drama, i might not started watching it at all. but, up to 12th episode, no disappointment yet. the storyline moves rapidly giving no chances of boredom. the plot is not so predictable, so it catches attention. wonderful script (or should i say, great sub-titles?), interesting and funny. and ahhh.. yes, the Korean trademark; heart wrenching.

i am not so convinced of the grown up Woo Ri's poverty (the little Woo Ri is more convincing). i cant feel her suffering. as for all the others, bad/good characters, they're very convincing. i especially like the grandmother's character. flawless. 

18-20 more hours to go. I'm pressing myself hard to limit my viewing hours to only 2 hours per day (that's 2 episodes). my life will really go berserk if i'd listen to my heart and watch the drama, marathon way. I've learned not to trust my heart when a sexy guy mingled in the equation. ahhhh... damn!

until you come along

i am too lazy to compose a lengthy post about book today. so, i'll just embed my favourite Youtube video from the recent weekend. i discovered her, browsing Griffin House. JJ Heller.

until you come along. please excuse the video, for the softporn, emo displays. enjoy the lyrics. and here's another one, Love me. ooooh.. while you're there, check out all her songs. she's a darling.

ya. you're supposed to look at the rainbow in the picture.

hujan panas, ku pandang awan mega
warna lapis tujuh bercahaya
orang tua kata ular naga
mencedok air dalam telaga
kalau tunjuk, tangan jadi kudung
rupa-rupanya itu cerita bohong

Do you know this song? i learnt this in school, sometime back in the late 80's. harsh truth eh? i grew up believing rainbow to have magical power. not the kudung thing, of course. my mom used to tell us not to go out in hujan panas, because the hot and cold tombiruo* are fighting and will affect our health. she also told us not to shout at rainbow, as it will awaken the tombiruo in charge of the colours and might offended the spirit. when i was 11, we learned in science class that rainbow is an optical result of light reflection through droplets of water causing spectrum of light to appear.

Rainbow is one of the sign of God's enduring love and the promise of hope (to those who read the Bible, its in Genesis). my heart skipped a beat every time i saw a rainbow. i never purposely go out and play in the rain hujan panas, but, i certainly almost always took a few minutes to stare outside the window, looking for rainbow. never mind the tombiruo thing.

because i'm beginning to feel healthy and because it's been two days in a row we had late afternoon rain in Batu 7, giving promise of rainbow sighting.

*tombiruo = spirit of the dead/ spirit

white noise

you know, the sound of silence? (that's not a question. that's a statement). i am experiencing a symptom of Tinnitus. my right ear has been in limbo since friday last week and i have difficulty in hearing from the right direction. its really, really annoying.

its quite hard to concentrate articulating something when you're hearing yourself talking loudly in your own ear chamber. yesterday, my officemate told me he cant hear anything i say, i spoke too softly. me?! talking softly? Then, the students complained i mumbled in my lecture. Really?!. so, this morning, i spoke loudly (it's really loud for me) over the mic and delivered the lecture with numerous pauses (to cough and collect my thought--i lost them in the booming sound in my head!). the students didnt complaint.

i am going to see an ENT doctor tomorrow. i've tried the breathing technique, water stabilizer, vitamin B (for the niacin). still, my telinga berdengung. it doesnt hurt, but, its annoyingly uncomfortable. especially when i tried to sleep. i can hear my blood pulsating and the white noise sounds like waterfall!

so, this is how its like, being sick and half-deaf.

The Wonder Spot

if you can spare some time to read just one ridiculous book this year. let it be this.

Ridiculous as in, not normally progressing. like, adding years to one's age without really adding any significance to it. like, running in a circle, tiring and energy consuming without really getting anywhere. that's the feel i get reading this book. Sophie Applebaum changed little from her 12 years old to her sixty. and i'm at loss to comment if that's a good thing or no. all i can think is, that's immensely ridiculous.

people says, dont ever change. in romantic movie/ stories we often heard the phrase "i love you, just the way you are". but, change is inevitable. change is a must. i am not what i used to be when i was 20 (when Alanis Morissette's album is my most precious possession and Grisham's the best author). we change, not necessarily for the better. it's just a process of evolution (so now you know i'm pro Darwinian). so, really, i refuse to accept a fiction of unchanging tendency, personality and pointless way of perceiving life. Maybe Melissa Bank should just formatted this book into short stories collection. that way, at least the reader can make their own conclusion/ story extension.

Sophie Applebaum is one of the most disgusting character i've read so far. for that, Ms. Bank, you stand out. and out of my list..